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Cultivating Poetry and Poetic Criticism

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new post [Sep. 4th, 2005|01:32 pm]
Cultivating Poetry and Poetic Criticism

projectcultcrit

[whentunder]
a work very much still in progress. i'm still playing with the voice and tweaking tweaking tweaking.
assist me please.

"neal cassady unsung"

man inhuman
fast moving mountain
laced with jazz

his boulders chime
crack in uniform frenzy
under sinew's strain

mountain shatters dust and circles,
he becomes

mad orbit,
intoxicating as vertigo
careening wildly;
taste of manic grace
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Comments:
[User Picture]From: fountaingirl
2005-09-04 09:14 pm (UTC)

This is getting better.

I like this version best so far, you are really tightening. I would drop the "he is" since the title points to a "he" who "is/was," just a thought but I believe it will get even tighter if you do:

"neal cassady unsung"

he is man inhuman
fast moving mountain
laced with jazz

his boulders chime
crack in uniform frenzy
under sinew's strain

mountain shatters dust and circles,
he becomes

mad orbit,
intoxicating as vertigo
careening wildly;
he is taste of manic grace

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[User Picture]From: whentunder
2005-09-04 09:36 pm (UTC)

Re: This is getting better.

you know, you are quite right. while writing this poem, i've been keeping everything short and leaving out all that i can. silly that it had never occurred to me to leave out the "he"s. thank you.
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[User Picture]From: fountaingirl
2005-09-05 12:15 am (UTC)

Re: This is getting better.

Most welcome. I think I would leave in the "his" before "boulders" though, and likely the phrase "he becomes" because these help pace the poem.

I love watching a piece come through a bunch of revisions, it's like watching an artist take a lump of clay and make something from a blob. Nifty.
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